Real Life

July 28, 2009

I always hear that blogs are always about everyone's happy stories and don't necessarily reflect real life.  Sometimes I think that is true after all who wants to read about someone's problems but today I am going to write about real life.  A painful day in the life of the Boyle's.  Today's story will be out of order because of course I am behind on my blogging so be patient when this is one month out of order but I wanted to write down my feelings when they were fresh.

So everyone knows that we have been trying to get pregnant for some time now.  Everything we do seems to take a long time after all I am a planner!  We revisited the idea of fertility but thankfully it did not come to that.  Friday I missed my period and took a pregnancy test, which was positive!  YEAH!!!  It was a light line but according to the directions it did not need to be a dark line.  I could not wait to tell Mike when he got home from work.  I phoned the doctor and made appointments to be seen and mentioned that I have a history of low progesterone with Liam.  They wanted me to have some initial blood work done, HCG levels and a progesterone.  I had those drawn on Friday and would get the results on Monday. 

So now I had to find a creative way to tell Mike...I decided on balloons, pink and blue with a welcome baby one in the middle.  Liam and I made a special trip to get them and I wanted to surprise Mike with them by tying a pregnancy test to the bottom and having Liam walk down the hall with them when he came home from work.   Of course Mike got home from work early on Friday and met us in the garage.  I pulled Liam from the car and the balloons and Mike looked at me blankly and said "What are all the balloons for?", I waited for him to figure out the colors and put 2 and 2 together but he seemed to be processing slowly.  I said "I am pregnant!"

  

He was so excited and gave us a big hug and kiss.  We talked about how great it will be to have 2 children, how the dogs would take one more step down the ladder of importance, how Liam would form that deep rooted bond that Mike has wanted so badly once the new baby comes.  The Boyle house was filled with excitement and anticipation.

The weekend was great but being medical I am always a little pessimistic that things won't work out.  I called first thing Monday morning looking for those test results.  After the 4th call I finally had the nurse tell me that I needed to have the blood work redrawn.  I started to ask questions and found out that the hcg was low and we needed to see if it went up over the weekend.  I was sad and had a feeling that I was going to loose this baby.  I called Mike at work in tears, he was so supportive and loving.

I woke up this morning bleeding.  I now know that it is over.  No baby this time.  The nurse side of me realizes that this is probably for the best.  The baby was not healthy.  The mother side of me is so sad, I wanted this baby so badly.  Even though I was not far along it still breaks my heart knowing what could of been.  I have rationalized this over and over.  We want a healthy baby, at least I know that I can get pregnant, thankfully it was super early in the pregnancy but no matter what it still sucks.  

I am thankful for having a loving and caring husband who understands how sad I am and holds me when I cry.  I am thankful for beautiful Liam, some women don't ever experience a pregnancy much less a beautiful child.  I am thankful for knowing that I can get pregnant and will get pregnant again in the future.  I am thankful for friends that hug me and support me when all I can do is cry.  I am sad that there will be no baby this time but am hopeful for the next time I get pregnant.